Dear Ryan..

My life is always filled with up and downs. so i have to constantly remind myself where do I stand now and where do i want to stand in the future. i think everyone at some point in their lives had talked to themselves, question existing everywhere.. like.. how will my future be like.. how FAT will my wallet be.. who am i going to meet in the future.. when will i be six feet under......




moments ago i just feel like my soul talking i really have to jot this down somewhere so i do not forget.. i feel like something or someone just slapped me on the face.. time to wake up..


-I realize that i have been really rude to my parents, especially my mom. I talk to her according to my mood and i think she is a victim of my reckless inconsiderate mood swings.


-I am not passionate and fond of my current course anymore. i feel like it is a burden to carry.

-I am still spending on unnecessary things. I guess i am still not over my disease of seeking comfort through buying nice things for show.

-I love myself so so much and yet at the same time, i despise myself with full of hatred. this is really something you do not want to have in your life

-I feel like people are looking at me and making remarks every minute of my life. I don't know what is with me that makes people always realize any changes upon myself. it is like i have to be very conscious of my every move so i won't go wrong.

-I am afraid to speak up, for i am afraid i might be wrong and laughed at my lack of knowledge and skills

-I find it hard to interact with people i had just met. especially if they are better looking that i am . or smarter perhaps. this is such a sickening and downright silly syndrome that i have and i seriously need to break out of it



It is time for a change..

Hair- Our Crown of Glory

i was looking through my post entitled "P.I.C.T.U.R.E.S" and i realized how HOT i can be at times. HEHE ;) then again scrolling down, i saw some pictures of me with SHAVED, sorta BOTAK-ish head. i could see the HUGE CONTRARY. so people, please do bear in mind that your hair is just like your CROWN. wear it well, wash it well, groom it, style it and simply LOVE it.

Jingle the sorrows away, Santa

for some reason, i just decided to pay my dead blog a visit. i remember this was once the place where my fingers just danced freely across the keyboard, pouring out my thought and emotions all at the same time. i solemnly miss the feeling of it. looking through my older post, motion memories start to flash back little by little, whilst giggling to myself how crazy and funny i can be at times when i am pissed.

so yeah, I'm back to doing one of the best thing i do- Chill and Bitch! HEHE


hmmmmm, regarding my post title "Jingle the sorrows away, Santa" . it was a random thing. well to be honest, I'm feeling kinda down right now. you see, i love my mom. i really do. Christmas is just mere days away. so, i asked my mom "Mi (short form for mummy), what do u want for Christmas?" she replied " I just want happiness." I was like "HARR? how to buy happiness?" then she started mumbling something which I can't remember already. i shall elaborate on my mom in a new chapter.

also, today afternoon i saw on the couch this newspaper cut out from the classified section, attached with it was a hand written letter. i knew instantly my dad was up to something AGAIN. that little "something" was my dad looking for a job. despite knowing what it was, i picked it up and asked him what that was while reading it. it says something something maintainence officer. requires experience in plumbing, safety, and hands on work. NO WAY. he is too old for this. he asked me to help him type out the letter. my straight answer was NO. it was not because i was lazy, but the simply truth is that i don't want to see him suffer. i can't express my true thoughts so i decided to say stupid things to break his spirit such as "yerrr hands on? you can't do it la dee (short form for daddy)" SIGH.

i was doing some thinking after that.


Am I over spending? -Yes
Am I spending on things that i really need?-No
Have I been contended with what i already have?-No
Have I thanked them for what they provide me?-No
Have I been spending or buying things to "show" that my family is quite well off?-Yes
Have I been spending or buying things to "pretend" that my family is quite well off? -Yes
Have I been acting all "Siu Yeh Zhai"-ish or "Diva"-ish ? -BIG YES



Ryan wears ADIDAS shoes. what does daddy wear? -old shoes

Ryan eats good food. what does daddy eat? sucky worker food

Ryan goes to Bianco Saloon to get his hair done. where does daddy go? -mamak barber

Ryan wears nice comfortable clothes. what does daddy wear? ryan's old unwanted clothes

Ryan wants a top range laptop, daddy pays for it

Ryan wants anything, daddy provides.


question arises, where does the money come from? where did this devil within me start to take control of my life? i need to make a difference.

if this goes on, i'll earn myself a place in hell.


i blame myself because of my "Sei You Min" attitude, i made my parent's life hard.


im sorry.

Fucker Bitch

arghhhh. as usual i have to blog about my tuesdays' Larder class.

this time, imagine yourself shitting halfway and suddenly you fell into the toilet bowl with fresh shit in it. haha. embarrassing right? okay thats how i felt. the story was, i was doing the brown sauce thingie and somehow i stirred it correctly and the result was pretty nice. the F.U.B actually complimented me! though she didnt see who it was. oh well. kena puji for ONCE. hohoho. my moment of glory didnt last long. SADLY

after transfering my brown sauce into a bigger pot, i had to wash my bowls and saucepan. as i was washing the saucepan after the bowls, she interrupted : "eh boy u wash here ahh, tomorrow also cannot finish i tell you.. (bla bla bla)" okay la in my heart i was wtv-ing her.. so i wiped it and put the stuffs back. SUDDENLY, she shouted : "i have been receiving lots of complaints ahh, that the saucepans aren't washed cleanly. show me your saucepan after washing it.!" i was pretty confident that my saucepan was squeeky clean so i passed it to her. to my HORROR, there was this patch of brown thingie still there. what happened next? DOH she sounded me. haha. she even put the pot soo damn near to my face and said something like i am embarrassing myself. indeed i was! malu siod.

it wasn't fully MY FAULT as there weren't any USEABLE sponge or scrubber AND washing liquid in that kitchen. i had to use my hands k?? argh. okay so she ordered that boot licker to take some scrubber from Esther or wtv her name is. i was given a brand new scrubber sponge to "redeem my mistake". being blur as usual, i just used the yellow part( the sponge) instead of the green part( the scrubber). so.... kena marah AGAIN la! ish... tekanan siod...

as she was marah-ing me, i remember she said something that hit me. "don't you do washing at home??" i sheepishly shock my head side to sides as a sign of NO. she replied by saying how am i going to cook.! i just kept quiet jer.. sakit hati..!!!

here is what i wanted to tell her in my heart (but i was too afraid la as usual) :

"IS IT A CRIME NOT KNOWING HOW TO WASH THE DISHES? COME ON OKAY, I HAVE TWO MAIDS TO DO IT FOR ME. I AM HERE TO LEARN. YOU ARE HERE TO TEACH ME. BUT APPARENTLY YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR JOB WELL."

pissed.

P.I.C.T.U.R.E.S

okay who the hell wants to read freaking long blogs? hell no for me.! (though i do crap until quite long sometimes)..haha. but i'd rather be kehpochi and look at other people's pictures instead. HEHE. so here goes... my picture stories...


during chinese new year. talking to my grandma over the phone in singapore. haha. weird.



it was so sunny in the room at night




trying to do a hot pose. not bad wat.. haha




in the family house in penang island. comfort makes me zzZ



i was bored in the esprit fitting room. thats my mom's butt. haha












on the way to penang island. my beloved hometown. i look like a bosS. hehe. i wish.

now u see it, now you dont

okay so today when i woke up, i dont know why i just felt like going out. maybe its because i've been out straight for the past few days. i decided to go to ou with my fren shu yi.!

regarding my title for this blog, here is how i spent my money:

i "korek-ed" RM100.00 from my mom's bag. intially, i took RM50.00 but i saw that there were soooo many of it!! so i took 2 pieces of RM50.00. HEHE. like as if she is gonna know the difference right??? hahaha. oh ya i wasnt stealing. i asked my mom first okie? when i was on the way down the stairs she asked me how much i took and i said a hundred. so thats not stealing okie?


1. RM11.00 for seafood tempura and XXL Chicken

2. RM13.00 for accessories from Padini

3. RM20.00 for a meal in Char Chan Theng or wtv. oh ya remember not to eat at this place anymore coz my fren told me once, his meal came with hair and his friend's meal had burnt newspaper in it. GROSS

4.Rm3.00 for a game of pool

5. Rm4.00 for a Nestle Strawberry Youghurt Drink and a bottle of Sunist Orange Juice

6. Shu Yi borrowed RM35.00 for her kasut and a hair brush

7. Rm4.00 for 2 cans of Shandy

8. Rm10.00 for my Dove conditioner

so thats like a hunded.. i think.. my math sucks okay? XD

anyways after all the lepak-ing shu yi and i went back to visit lai yeng again in My Little Intellect- Shu Yi's aunt's shop. there, we BURPEDDD.....and i managed to burp lai yeng's name.. wahahaha.

P.I.E.R.C.I.N.G

after sooooo many years of wanting to do it, AT LAST, i had the courage to get it done thanks to someone. i think it looks kinda nice though. it brings a little life to my face since i look pretty dull and sickly sometimes. LOL got it done in sunway pyramid on the 1st of May 2007- a very memorable day for me indeed. it'll live in my memory forever. hmmmm.. the piercing also gave me a small ego boost. hahahaha




what my family said:

Bro: u serious?? not nice.. nice.. i dont know

Sis 1: YUCK so ugly... eeek....!

Sis 2 : YER.........

Mom: lu see ta bor asi zha bor?? ( are u a boy or a girl??)

Dad: you say nice then nice la. abit gay. hahahaha

Aunt: wahh! u better make sure you pierce the correct side. later attract wrong gender. LOL

Shu Yi and Lai Yeng : nice. they said cute also i think. HEHE


-RYaN-